eHarmony - What You Should Know

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Joining
To join eHarmony is quite a challenge. There is a questionnaire to start with, and you do not know how much the subscription is until you have completed the questionnaire (though there are researchers who have set up trial memberships to find out, and published their findings on the web).

What may be a concern though is that with eHarmony's questionnaires concerning lifestyle and income level before you know the subscription level, they may well set a particular individual's subscription level based on the answers given. Without transparency, how can anyone tell? Other sites, such as MyMatchMature or DatingDirect are quite upfront about subscription levels.

Questionnaire
Well, what about the joining process? With most sites this is relatively straightforward and speedy - MyMatchMature has two steps and you can enter as much detail as you want. No doubt eHarmony would say that several hundred mandatory questions about likes/dislikes/ personality type and so on will improve the match and their success rates, with a benefit to their subscribers, and that is fair enough.

I ploughed through the process (somewhat tongue-in-cheek) and was then told that there were no suitable matches. Of course, the several hundred personality type test questions may well have identified me as a poor prospect (and the techniques are such that false answers can be identified) or a lurker. If the matching is so specific, then serendipity is removed, and I think that there has to be some serendipity in the online dating process.

Then, there is eHarmony's killer question at the end - 'Have you used an online dating agency before'? Generously, I would say that this is purely for market research, though a cynic might say that eHarmony's approach is so radically different that potential customers who have used other sites may have issues with the customer experience (which I cannot comment on as eHarmony was 'unable to provide you with a service').

Matching Approach
eHarmony's matching approach is based on extensive psychological research, the profiling techniques used are based on those which are in widespread use in the professional and commercial world, and the founder of the business has great expertise in that area. But, it is quite a different approach to the matching process used by other agencies. eHarmony offer you matches based on your personality profile and interests. Their approach is based on extensive data analysis of married couples using regression analysis (a technique to measure linkage of features to results). This is a proven and widely accepted analytical method.

Personal Data
Finally, having failed to be accepted as a subscriber, I am very glad that I did not complete the personality inventory questions with complete truthfulness, otherwise my personality profile would be onfile in eHarmony's database. At the end of the process eHarmony does offer a printout of the personality findings, but the actual button to obtain it was not offered on my screen.

Features
The features offered by eHarmony (as far as external research has been able to determine) do not appear to be any different (and perhaps even less in scope) than other sites such as MyMatchMature offers. Some features, for example, Starsign compatibility, are important to some people (that is, they can use this to search for members). This does not appear to be a feature of eHarmony's site, and obviously it is their right to define their service offering.

Limitations
So, they claim that they are able to predict with great accuracy the best matches for people. Of course, this data relates to heterosexual couples, and so eHarmony does not offer its services to people looking for partners of the same sex. This has been subject to successful legal challenge in the US.

Local Version
eHarmony has been heavily promoted in the UK, and intriguingly claims on its site that it has been "Scientifically adapted for the UK in collaboration with the Oxford Internet Institute at the University of Oxford". I do not know if that means that the analytical method has been changed. The Oxford Internet Institute is 'devoted to the impact of the Internet on society'.

In Conclusion
So, all in all, if you are looking for a heterosexual partner, have the stamina to wade through the questionnaire and are prepared to put your full personality inventory into their database, without knowing the cost in advance, then give it a try. They are undoubtedly successful and ranked number 3 on one listing I saw. I do know, with direct experience, that the more normal agencies do work well also.


© 2010 Phil Marks

Get more online dating tips at => http://www.ezeefriends.com/

When is a Soulmate not a Soulmate?

This tale was sent to me by a dear lady sailing friend, and is a cautionary tale. Bear in mind though that not every man is like this - they are, I believe, the exception.  It does identify some of the points raised in my earlier posts about characteristics of a soulmate. Comments would be welcome, or post your own dating tale!

The Ups and Downs of Online Dating!

by Alicia Hunter

I have met some really genuine and lovely people over the couple of years that I have tried online dating. In fact one or two have actually become soul-mates of a kind, even if not life time lovers. There are many happy stories and the next one I write about will be one of those. However, there are some absolute rogues out there too. So please, everyone who finds themselves in the same position as me - whether male or female – do go very carefully. I wish you lots of luck! This one is about a man who I shall call 'M' in this true story.

Capricorn Man

A synopsis of M’s online profile runs like this –

“Fantastic Fun in Retirement”
Personality traits - Intelligent; Adventurous; Optimistic; Realistic; Loving; Independent; Happy; Confident; Trustworthy; Faithful
Valued qualities – Contentment; Friendliness; Self-control; Humour; Chemistry: Sexiness
Current Relationship – I am divorced
Honesty – Very
Star sign – Capricorn

This was “IT”! After months of trawling through fans and favourites, of online frustrations and foolish mistakes, I honestly believed that I had at last found the right mix for love and LTR. Here was chemistry at last and, despite the distance between home bases of more than 180 miles, M came to visit me frequently. I was not invited to his home and when he was there he could only speak to me from the office on Tuesdays and Thursdays or when he walked to the top of the hill behind his house for his mobile phone to pick up a signal. However in a very short time we were spending increasing amounts of time together.

We shared common interests, we walked, we sailed and M was the perfect gentleman. I introduced him to my friends and as his story unravelled I learned that his house was on the market for sale and he was hoping to move to Dorset (a county in England), a much closer location to his family and to me.

Coincidentally I had my house on the market at the same time and although I had clear ideas of what I wanted to do with the capital invested there, I was persuaded to join in the hunt for property in Dorset. The house hunting was fun and as I became caught up in what seemed to be the fresh flush of a new romance it was not long before we found something that fitted the bill. It was a lovely mill house with the river flowing below the living room floor. It had been divided into two and was currently being run as a successful Bread and Breakfast house. B and B was not new ground to me and while the home had the potential to be restored to its original single dwelling status, I could also see the business potential to help pay the inevitable mortgage.

Whether it was feminine intuition or just a feeling that this was all being driven too far too soon, I do admit to having the occasional sensation of cold feet. I had had my fingers burnt before and had decided that, as I explored new relationships, I did not want to give up a home base for myself. How come I was now being tempted into such a position with a man I had known for less than three months? To try and quell my doubts I looked at every argument from every angle and I concluded that, if this was true love, then I must not let old baggage hold me back ….. Amazingly both our houses were under offer with sales proceeding to exchange and completion in no time at all ….. What is meant to be will be I told myself as I fluctuated between excitement and fear. Naturally of course!

Then along came the next carrot to lead me deeper into the relationship – a holiday in the Canary Islands. Fantastic I thought, a touch of sun – just up my street. When shall we go? I was amazed when I was told the flights and apartment were already booked and we would be flying out next week. What fun!

This was someone who had included comments in his profile such as fantastic fun in retirement; open minded; give most things a go; keen to do more travelling; looking for someone prepared to try new activities and without commitments. It all seemed perfect. However, whenever we wrote or spoke about it there was always one subject that he managed to avoid “You say you are divorced, have you been on your own for long?”

The weekend before we were due to fly out to Tenerife, our offer had been accepted on the house in Dorset, we had dinner with a couple of my friends when M talked of his excitement at taking me jet-skiing in Tenerife, of taking the cable car up Mount Teide and simply enjoying the relaxation of his 5 star apartment together.

So, just three days to go and while we were having supper at my home one evening, the phone rang. It was his son and to put it mildly something quite significant ‘hit the fan’. There was a tirade of anger down the phone and M looked most alarmed. I tried not to listen but clearly something was very wrong.

I was amazed then to learn that M’s son was tearing him off a strip for having an affair with me while his devastated partner of over seven years was at home alone, packed and ready for her holiday in Tenerife! I was just amazed. I had not seen any of the warning signals and within minutes M was in his car heading home, not because I had thrown him out, but apparently because his conscience drove him and he was afraid of the disapproval of his own son. I later found that the holiday had always been booked in his partner’s name and not mine. He had played a very convincing game of deception and still to this day I wonder whether he would have gone ahead with the house purchase and the holiday if his son had not intervened.

Reading between the lines in the dating profile – adventurous and optimistic he may have been – but intelligent and realistic – in your dreams! As for trustworthy and faithful – I will let you judge for yourself. He was seeking a new partner without commitments and let’s just quickly check how honest he declares himself to have been in creating his online dating profile – it was “Very” honest. An interesting demonstration of honesty!

I am not normally one to take any interest in star signs but, during the email introductions in the early days of our relationship, M had indicated to me that he was a great believer in the characteristics of his star sign Capricorn. He had even scanned and forwarded a copy from a publication where he highlighted certain characteristics which he felt fitted his personality well. I wish I could remember them now. However there is one that has lingered and that is that his star sign is represented by the symbol of a “GOAT”.

In restrospect, I missed the warning signs:
- if it is the real thing then contact should not be by schedule (unless of course he or she is in the Armed Forces), after all, what happened to spontaneity?
- evading questions about marital status and recent relationship. Yes, a delicate balance here if you don't want to be seen as prying. However, you can always qualify that with 'I've been lied to in the past'.

Any person worth their salt should be upfront about these aspects. Good luck, and watch for the signals!

(c) Alicia Hunter 2010

Step 1

Ok, so we have a working defintion of what a soulmate is.

Let's take the first aspect:

- phoning up at the same time.

Well, that's something that could be apparent in the early days of a relationship, or not - it's something that might grow as we (maybe) tune in to one another. The point relates more to an almost telepathic communication. Have you ever experienced this? I have, and 'sixth sense' stuff will be the subject of an article on 'starman' - not 'paranormal', but in relation to the physical world in which we live.

We could also consider 'subliminal' communication, though that relates mainly, I think, to physical presence and subconcious reading of body language. It is generally accepted that women are better than men at this, though men can learn it (or be taught it by a lady, as was I).

So, if you are a guy looking for a soulmate, watch for the signals (unless you are a caveman - but then you wouldn't be reading this anyway). If you are a gal, then you are probably tuned in already.

How to find a Soulmate - Online Dating Pitfalls?

Internet dating is a quick and easy way to meet people, but what you see online is not always what you get! Online Profiles can tell you a lot. If you want to discover some insights behind the online profile, then check my blog SailingSoulmates (despite the name, it's a general blog with useful information for most people who are seeking someone special).

What is a Soulmate?

Let's look at some basic ideas of what a Soulmate is.

If you have been lucky enough to have had time with a soulmate then you probably have your own list already.

Mine is:

- instinctively thinking about one another at the same moment - phoning up only for the other person to say - oh, I was just thinking of you or just about to phone you

- having tremendous respect for that person's point of view

- not referring to them as 'my husband, boyfriend, girlfriend' and so on, but as 'John, Peter, Sandra' and so on.

- wanting to be with that person as much as possible

- sharing dreams and hopes for the future

- providing unconditional emotional support

- having the same ideas at the same time

Some people might say that such a relationship is boring, claustrophobic or clingy - and there are plenty of other descriptions.

For me though, if that is the case, then you are not soulmates. I've had relationships with clingy people, and I know I've been perceived as clingy in others - the key point though, is that there is a mismatch.

Its doesn't stop you having disagreements, but if you have deep respect then you really listen to what the other point of view is.

What is on your list? What do you think? Post your comments!